Ho Hum.....-sigh-

Oh my, is it really October? were ever did my precious time go? it seems to have passed before i even fully realized it was gone. oh dear me....whatever will i do now? to update you on what my life has been like for the last  six months would take far to much time. so allow me to briefly describe my life at it's current moment. all of the important parts that is.

Family: hell, i don't even want to think about my family. just thinking about them gives me a severe headache. my sister is a million times worse. she is a lazy bum whom i am incredibly disappointed in and wish i could call the cops on when she is outside my house smoking pot. however if i did such a thing my neighbor threatened to beat my ass and has already sent me into a mental break down due to him screaming at me for just threatening to call the cops....bastard. as if i don't have enough pain in my life he had to go an do that >>...that was not fun.

Dad saddens me. always drinking, and i am pretty sure he is smoking too now. great my whole family is dissolving before my very eyes. oh the joy >>... i am embarrassed to even have friends over anymore. that is the reason i don't bug my crystal to come visit me. i miss her and my Gabi terribly T_T but i am so embarrassed by my house and my family that i dare not bring them around. not to mention that because of my family i never leave the safety of my room. i don't want to be around that crap. i have blown up a few times which was pretty. isn't it a shame that my entire been seems to be consumed by a fiery anger that rages up over the stupidest things.

Friends: eh, my close trio turned into a duo and i miss my twin T_T i have made a few new friends to whom live in various parts of the state (yes grell that is about you  as well as my hunny-sempai XD). Kori and my relationship has never been better and it is weird that she is finally paying attention to me. love her to death though. unfortunately for her i am that tumor on her side that she can't get rid of. i have the effect on people. i tend to be cancerous XD I was suprised a while ago when my phone rang and it was my dear old Ceanna. we both have been through so much and have had a rough couple years. i was both frightened and excited to see she called. i was sure she had forgotten i exsisted and i thought it for the best for her that i disappear. we are working things out and that makes me happy. which reminds me i need to call her XD I do hope she is having a good week isn't that like me always worried about other people XD  

Work: is fucking fabulous! i am not being sarcastic ether XD i am getting the shifts i want and getting more hours. i am doing a great job and it shows because my manager actually praised me and told me how reliable i was and how she could always count on me -beams with pride-  i am so super happy about that :)

Relationships:...fuck...my..life......that is all...thank you -bows-

Me: Hmm, this is the hardest one to type to be honest with you. isn't it always hardest to tell people about what is going on inside of you. this is something i find myself struggling with on a day to day bases. words i want to say or things i wish to tell people never seem to leave my lips. i find myself consumed by the world that has shrunk to the safety of my room. not to say i haven't tried to get out and see the world. i have gone to the bar with a co-worker on one Saturday night. though i found myself longing for the safety of my room and my laptop where my beloved rpers were to keep me company. the safety of my room where there isn't any creepy drunk men who wouldn't stop talking about how wonderful my boobs are, and were no one was there for me to be compared to. i soon found myself safely in my corner doing what i do best. observing, watching and being the responsible one. even though i wasn't the driver i found myself at the end of the night completely sober. not that i hadn't had a few drinks. it was more i didn't have enough. while my driver was blissfully smashed i attempted to get a hold of her fiance in order for us to get home since they wouldn't let me walk >>....i had fun when i wasn't thinking. but once i started thinking i began becoming paranoid and shut down. >< i think i have a problem.

.....Sunday was my mother and fathers anniversary and once again i found myself with a delema. depressed, and lonely. i was desperate for someone to be around. yet i could not grab a hold of anyone.  i found my self desperately grabbing for someone to cling to. someone to make me feel like i still exist and that i am not just a figment of Kori's imagination to which i am convinced i am >>.... i find that when i am depressed i tend to be more clingy.  i wonder how much that bothers other people. oh well. i can't help it.  it is how i am.i also still couldn't bring myself to go visit her grave....it's far to painful... pathetic aren't i?



Conclusion: I have depression problems and spend most of my time ether at work or in my room or angry at the world.....i am pretty sure i have issues and should seek help but who cares.  no one can help me with the kind of help i need. >>...oh well that's about all. later folks!

Mini- Me

Random fact about me! This is my Niece i call my Mini-Me. don't we look alike! i mean there are obvious differences but still we do look a lot alike! I love her she is so fricken adorable. now she just needs to learn to behave herself and listen to her mother D:< yes i am scolding you on my blog! XD

~warning tears to come!!!!!!!


   Dear Momma
   I apologize i realize i am a good three days late. but i have been extremely busy. I didn't forget that Friday was your birthday, nor did i forget to get you anything. in fact i got you a beautiful bouquet of flowers that i have on the table so that everyone can see them. dad asked if i wanted him to take me to take them out to your grave...i said no.
   I know i am a strong person, and i know that i have a fire in me that not many others have. and yet i still can't bring myself to go to your grave. going there just to bury you was hard enough...seeing your ashes in that beautiful box grandpa made shattered my world and brought to the reality of the fact that you are gone. knowing that i only got 19 years with you and now Westlee gets you for the rest of eternity. i suppose it's only fair that he gets some time with you too. but still just knowing that your gone...well frankly it fucking sucks.
 I mean it is so much easier to stay at home and pretend that you are still in that nursing home and that i will get to see you on Sunday. even though i know you are not i can't help but watch your old room window whenever i pass that nursing home. just praying i will see you there.
  School is going well. i am having a bit of trouble with my ex-roommate harassing me and my friends but don't worry mom. no matter what she does she won't effect me. she can try all she wants but i will stay strong and get her out of my life forever. I feel bad for her other friends though. i pray that they never see or hear the shit she says...and i pray that they never have to suffer the same mind fuck game she tried to play with me. no one deserves to be messed with the way she messed with my head.
  Home is hell....honestly mom home fucking sucks without you here to keep us together....dad is always depressed and in his room...in your room...he is drinking most of the time even though he claims he isn't anymore...we both know he is...the only time he isn't in his room is when my friends are over...otherwise he is in his room sleeping...Rachael has gone to a complete bottom out....she does weed and honestly i have no problem with pot heads. most of the pot heads i know are actually very chill and responsible with it, but she takes it to an extreme...and her anger...she is out of control mom. i honestly hate living here....i wanna leave mom...i wanna get away and go out but every time i try dad holds me more tightly by making promises and things...he won't let me escape mom...i am trapped and i am losing my mind. without you it's like our family doesn't have anything holding us together.
    I miss you mom...i miss you like works can't describe....the emptiness that fills my heart from where you used to be aches so much that sometimes i just want to die....most of the time i can't smile, i can't laugh...i just want to curl us in my bed and hide from the world.
   I know i promised mom..but i can't help but blame God for you being gone...i mean i know i am not perfect and i know racheal is fucked up but you! you were one of the most amazing people in the entire fucking world! why is it that you had to die and then horrible people like some of my friends parents get to live...now i would never wish for anyone to feel the pain i feel. the pain and anger i feel whenever someone brings up their mom...or the hatred at those damn your mama jokes. But i mean i can't even go to church without feeling an uncontrollable amount of anger just consume my entire body. i am scared...i have never felt so hatred and anger in my entire body....but lately all i feel is anger, hatred and depression! ...i just i miss you so much mom....i miss our morning coffee and GMA and Regis and Kelly every morning...i just...it all hurts so much...
But dispite the fact that life is hell...i have quite a few good things. I have two amazing friends who would be there for me no matter what. both of who are just flat out two of the most amazing people in the world. i love them to death. Not to mention there is this totally amazing chick who i absolutely adore and want so badly. and she always makes me smile and makes me feel like i am a human. i always look forward to our movie nights. she just makes me feel less useless and helpless...i absolutely adore her. I have a job! and i love my job! and i am good at my job
 well mom i have to start cleaning the house...yeah i still do all the work around here and Rachael still doesn't do shit...i doubt that is ever going to change. but oh well...at least i get my alone time...I love you mom...take care...miss you...and Happy Birthday Mom
   -Katie

I am so out of here!!!

I am officially moving out of my house. I told my father that i will be moved out by July. and i have full intention of getting the fuck out of this house.

Oh right random fact about me, almost forgot um lets see... Oh i got it! I am totally addicted to Pepsi. like it is beyond an addiction. i need this stuff or else i become an evil demoness.you don't want to fuck with me when i have no Pepsi in my system O.O.....like you have been warned.

so yeah back to the first statement of my blog. i am moving the fuck out of my house in july. i want out and that is that. My sister has exactly that time to get a job otherwise her and dad will have to move too. or so my father claims i don't think they will. he can get food stamps with her and what not. he just is useing that to try and keep me in the same house. it's not gonna work.

no i am not planning on getting a roommate. to be honest i am just not roommate material. i like my space and i don't like to share my space. but if i were in a relationship with someone that might change. that kind of roommate i could handle. and honestly i would have no problem like getting a place with a boyfriend or a girlfriend. but any other kind of roommate would be bad for me. i am thinking of this one place that isn't to far from my dad's place. just cause i know dad will want me to come over and visit as much as possible. just cause i know that is how my dad is.

but i can not wait. i want so badly to have my own place and be on my own. i need it so badly. but of course i am waiting until after spring term. like heck i am gonna look for a place to stay while i am attempting to attend school. not happening dog, not happening.

so yeah those are my updates, i can't wait to be out on my own. and it is gonna happen for sure! I am possitive!!

Pet a Tena and she shall Purr

It's true, pet me by like playing with my hair or rubbing my back, heck even tickling or scratching my back, and i practically turn into a purring kitty XD

so i like the idea of starting each blog with some strange fact about me XD I'm totally digging this idea. anyways lets cont with my latest new. ^//^

So i suffer form a mild case of depression. I know this is a fact and i know this because i saw my mother suffered from depression for years. so when i have symptoms i can tell. Lately i have had a really rough case of it. It got to the point where i didn't even want to leave my house. i didn't want to move i didn't want to eat, sleep, or even do anything. i didn't even want to rp i was so depressed.

So when i get depressed i get very cuddly because i need that feeling of human interaction otherwise i lose my mind. So i have been a little clingy but i haven't really had anyone to cuddle with. Honestly the best cure for my depression is a late night watching movies, cuddling and talking. this will cure me instantly. so I have spoken of the one i call My Lesbian. I call her that because i refer to all my friends as Mine. and the one thing that makes her solely unique is that she is the only pure lesbian chick i know and the first chick i ever wanted to date. she is so cute >///<

so my dad got me the movie burlesque because i love Christina Agulaiura and Cher. And i love this fricken movie. well My lesbian hadn't seen it yet so i invited her over to come watch it with me. My friends and i joked about me getting some action and stuff like that but honestly, i just wanted to have at least sometime with her so i can get to know her better. because when we're at work depending on who we are working with. we never have time to talk. so honestly although i was joking with my friends about her and stuff i really just wanted to spend time with her. so we watch burlesque and the movie ends. and honestly i didn't want her to leave. so i offered to watch another movie. she hadn't seen To Wong foo thanks for everything Julie Newmar which is one of my favorite movies. so we watch the movie and spent a couple hours just talking which was so nice! just having someone new to have a conversation with and get to know. so around like 4 o'clock i still don't want her to leave and we are still talking so i put in I Love You Man (( great movie!!!!)) and we end up just cuddling and relaxing. we ended up staying up all night and finally around 5:30 i turned the t.v off and we just cuddled and went to sleep. Honestly i have never felt so relaxed then last night when i was hanging with her. i was just so comfortable it was wonderful

so yeah those are my life updates. School is finally over but i still have a couple papers i have to write for my Poetry class. have i ever told you i hate poetry. I don't get it...and i suck at it....anyways!
 Peace, Love, Joy to the World, all that Jazz and have a good night folks XD

Black Nails are sexy

I find black nail's absolutely sexy. but that has nothing to do with my blog for the day. I just wanted to allow you a moment of my thoughts.

anyways more updates! yay! Lets see what has been going on in my life since my last post. Well i no longer have a cold. i was over that in a matter of days and i feel all better and rejuvenated. i did make a mistake while i was sick. although i had an absolute blast i shouldn't have walked home in the rain ><

Basically where i live we have this thing called first Friday art night. it's the first Friday of every month and basically the shops down town and it's a night with a bunch of annoying teenager walk around and hang out down town. while in high school i did find it fun as an adult i get annoyed with the annoying teenagers who just act all stupid and shit. But anyways My red neck Ninja had been asked by this chick to go to the new club that had just opened up down town. she didn't know this was a date XD so she invited me cause i wanted to go dancing. I knew that we needed to bring my crystal because come on! it's not a party unless my crystal is there!
 so we made it a girls night. we went out to dinner, walked for a bit and then went to the club.
 i had so much fricken fun! I danced for a bit, got to hang out and relax, danced a bit more. hung out with crystal and a guy i am now going to call Hands. yes..Hands is his name and that is what he will be refereed to in my blogs.  anyways he is named that for a reason, and crystal and i know why. man he his talented...and no it's not that dirty you perverts! he is really good at shoulder massages.
so we have a great time Friday night just hanging out. so now we've made every first Friday is our girls night XD yay girls night!

so yeah after that night i spent the next day in bed getting better, and all of Sunday getting better so then i was able to go back to school on monday. i was happy ^^ yay school.  now that last weekend. Sunday was also the day that i got my Pokemon game! I love my Pokemon game! so fricken much!!!  anyways i got black and i got white for my crystal. i love the game and i hope she loves it too >< it is a fun game. a bit bothersome but very fun.

well there are my updates for now.  have somethings i need to do. later Peeps!

Hmmm...updates

Ugh >< i'm gonna kill my sister she gave me her cold. which really sucks because i don't have time for a fucking cold >< she is so dead.

anyways update time. MPD turned out to be some random guy who just wanted in my pants and he stopped talking to me once he realized i wasn't gonna let him in my pants. sorry dude but i do care about who gets into those. I'm not some cheap whore you know. But i find it strange in the way things progressed, like the fact that he randomly game me a Pepsi after me never meeting the dude or even noticing him before. and then he ignored me for a good month and then suddenly he is obsessed with me. oddly enough i have my superstitions as to why this suddenly happened. i mean what guy gives a chick a pepsi, ignores her for a month, then tries to get itno her pants and then after fialing once gives up...come on if he was waiting that long i doubt he'd give up so easily.

But yeah so that's what happened with him. besides it's all good since i kinda have my eyes on someone else. the only issue is she is a she. I have a strict no dating girls policy because of all of my leadership roles at my church and honestly dating girls just seems to bother some. but for her i would make an exception. just because she is the kind of person i need in a relationship. but again i don't know if she is into me that way. but ether way i am still gonna try.  I mean after all not like i have much to lose. plus she is always flirting with me.>X3 not to mention she is a total Dom.

anyways that's all my updates for now. i will probably have more later but i am so tired and sick feeling that i think I'm just gonna go lay down now. >< ugh i haven't felt this crappy since last November through December.

DUDE!!!! o.O...DUDE!!!!!

 i have a boyfriend. okay so it's not official official but it seems pretty damn sure. i mean he even calls me babe and such. but there is a story behind this guy okay.

so it all started like two to three weeks ago. I'm sitting in the cafe and i had said hi to this guy like not long earlier. like i had never met the guy but i was waving at a friend and this cute guy with a red short Mohawk and lots of tattoos waves at me so to be polite i waved back. so i'm sitting there with my friends and next thing i know he comes over and sets a bottle of Pepsi in front of me and politely said. " you said you wanted a Pepsi right?" i nod and thank him and then he goes and sits down. i of course was flustered and flattered. so i later asked a guy i know about it and he was like " ohh he likes you" and i was all bushy and like " no way!"

so a couple weeks go by and i am kinda doing this inner change thing. were I'm working on my self confidence and trying to be more me like. so i get my hair cut and dye it a dark cherry red and start wearing cover up that is my shade and just try to look better. i am even taking lessons on how to have a conversation with a guy because i really wanna get out there and try.

so yestarday my dad took me shopping for some new cloths. i got a few pairs of jeans and a couple shirts. so i get kinda dressed up today. just to make myself feel good. i straightened my hair, did my make-up and wore one of my new outfits. even i have to admit i felt and looked really good. so i go with lea into the cafeteria and of course i notice thi guy all the time now because i am an observant person. so i am sitting there with lea just talking and all of the sudden he comes over and is all like " i just had to complement you, i think you look beautiful everyday, but today you look expectancy stunning" and I'm all like " well thank you" and he is like " you're welcome" and goes and sits down. lea of course is like low 5ing me and telling me I'm awesome and she's so proud of me. so a few minutes later he comes over and hands me a piece of paper and gives me his number. so i decide to give him mine. what did i have to lose right?! i mean he was cute and seemed so sweet!. so i go over and give him my number and tell him we should get coffee sometime. so we start texting and just talking and he is so sweet!

okay so I'm not 100% sure if he is my boyfriend yet but he seems pretty for sure we are. and i honestly have no problem having him as a boyfriend. he even stopped by on his way to go help his mom out just to say hi and meet my family and friend. i can't believe how lucky i got! and dude he is super cute! he's an MMA fighter. (( Mixed martial arts) and he's 28, he was in the army for ten years and he is really nice. even my dad liked him and he only met him for like a few minutes.

anyways I'm gonna watch my redneck ninja and my dad bowl on Wii and try not to have a heart attack. -SQUEAL!!!!!!-