Random fact about me! This is my Niece i call my Mini-Me. don't we look alike! i mean there are obvious differences but still we do look a lot alike! I love her she is so fricken adorable. now she just needs to learn to behave herself and listen to her mother D:< yes i am scolding you on my blog! XD
~warning tears to come!!!!!!!
Dear Momma
I apologize i realize i am a good three days late. but i have been extremely busy. I didn't forget that Friday was your birthday, nor did i forget to get you anything. in fact i got you a beautiful bouquet of flowers that i have on the table so that everyone can see them. dad asked if i wanted him to take me to take them out to your grave...i said no.
I know i am a strong person, and i know that i have a fire in me that not many others have. and yet i still can't bring myself to go to your grave. going there just to bury you was hard enough...seeing your ashes in that beautiful box grandpa made shattered my world and brought to the reality of the fact that you are gone. knowing that i only got 19 years with you and now Westlee gets you for the rest of eternity. i suppose it's only fair that he gets some time with you too. but still just knowing that your gone...well frankly it fucking sucks.
I mean it is so much easier to stay at home and pretend that you are still in that nursing home and that i will get to see you on Sunday. even though i know you are not i can't help but watch your old room window whenever i pass that nursing home. just praying i will see you there.
School is going well. i am having a bit of trouble with my ex-roommate harassing me and my friends but don't worry mom. no matter what she does she won't effect me. she can try all she wants but i will stay strong and get her out of my life forever. I feel bad for her other friends though. i pray that they never see or hear the shit she says...and i pray that they never have to suffer the same mind fuck game she tried to play with me. no one deserves to be messed with the way she messed with my head.
Home is hell....honestly mom home fucking sucks without you here to keep us together....dad is always depressed and in his room...in your room...he is drinking most of the time even though he claims he isn't anymore...we both know he is...the only time he isn't in his room is when my friends are over...otherwise he is in his room sleeping...Rachael has gone to a complete bottom out....she does weed and honestly i have no problem with pot heads. most of the pot heads i know are actually very chill and responsible with it, but she takes it to an extreme...and her anger...she is out of control mom. i honestly hate living here....i wanna leave mom...i wanna get away and go out but every time i try dad holds me more tightly by making promises and things...he won't let me escape mom...i am trapped and i am losing my mind. without you it's like our family doesn't have anything holding us together.
I miss you mom...i miss you like works can't describe....the emptiness that fills my heart from where you used to be aches so much that sometimes i just want to die....most of the time i can't smile, i can't laugh...i just want to curl us in my bed and hide from the world.
I know i promised mom..but i can't help but blame God for you being gone...i mean i know i am not perfect and i know racheal is fucked up but you! you were one of the most amazing people in the entire fucking world! why is it that you had to die and then horrible people like some of my friends parents get to live...now i would never wish for anyone to feel the pain i feel. the pain and anger i feel whenever someone brings up their mom...or the hatred at those damn your mama jokes. But i mean i can't even go to church without feeling an uncontrollable amount of anger just consume my entire body. i am scared...i have never felt so hatred and anger in my entire body....but lately all i feel is anger, hatred and depression! ...i just i miss you so much mom....i miss our morning coffee and GMA and Regis and Kelly every morning...i just...it all hurts so much...
But dispite the fact that life is hell...i have quite a few good things. I have two amazing friends who would be there for me no matter what. both of who are just flat out two of the most amazing people in the world. i love them to death. Not to mention there is this totally amazing chick who i absolutely adore and want so badly. and she always makes me smile and makes me feel like i am a human. i always look forward to our movie nights. she just makes me feel less useless and helpless...i absolutely adore her. I have a job! and i love my job! and i am good at my job
well mom i have to start cleaning the house...yeah i still do all the work around here and Rachael still doesn't do shit...i doubt that is ever going to change. but oh well...at least i get my alone time...I love you mom...take care...miss you...and Happy Birthday Mom
-Katie
