Oh my, is it really October? were ever did my precious time go? it seems to have passed before i even fully realized it was gone. oh dear me....whatever will i do now? to update you on what my life has been like for the last six months would take far to much time. so allow me to briefly describe my life at it's current moment. all of the important parts that is.
Family: hell, i don't even want to think about my family. just thinking about them gives me a severe headache. my sister is a million times worse. she is a lazy bum whom i am incredibly disappointed in and wish i could call the cops on when she is outside my house smoking pot. however if i did such a thing my neighbor threatened to beat my ass and has already sent me into a mental break down due to him screaming at me for just threatening to call the cops....bastard. as if i don't have enough pain in my life he had to go an do that >>...that was not fun.
Dad saddens me. always drinking, and i am pretty sure he is smoking too now. great my whole family is dissolving before my very eyes. oh the joy >>... i am embarrassed to even have friends over anymore. that is the reason i don't bug my crystal to come visit me. i miss her and my Gabi terribly T_T but i am so embarrassed by my house and my family that i dare not bring them around. not to mention that because of my family i never leave the safety of my room. i don't want to be around that crap. i have blown up a few times which was pretty. isn't it a shame that my entire been seems to be consumed by a fiery anger that rages up over the stupidest things.
Friends: eh, my close trio turned into a duo and i miss my twin T_T i have made a few new friends to whom live in various parts of the state (yes grell that is about you as well as my hunny-sempai XD). Kori and my relationship has never been better and it is weird that she is finally paying attention to me. love her to death though. unfortunately for her i am that tumor on her side that she can't get rid of. i have the effect on people. i tend to be cancerous XD I was suprised a while ago when my phone rang and it was my dear old Ceanna. we both have been through so much and have had a rough couple years. i was both frightened and excited to see she called. i was sure she had forgotten i exsisted and i thought it for the best for her that i disappear. we are working things out and that makes me happy. which reminds me i need to call her XD I do hope she is having a good week isn't that like me always worried about other people XD
Work: is fucking fabulous! i am not being sarcastic ether XD i am getting the shifts i want and getting more hours. i am doing a great job and it shows because my manager actually praised me and told me how reliable i was and how she could always count on me -beams with pride- i am so super happy about that :)
Relationships:...fuck...my..life......that is all...thank you -bows-
Me: Hmm, this is the hardest one to type to be honest with you. isn't it always hardest to tell people about what is going on inside of you. this is something i find myself struggling with on a day to day bases. words i want to say or things i wish to tell people never seem to leave my lips. i find myself consumed by the world that has shrunk to the safety of my room. not to say i haven't tried to get out and see the world. i have gone to the bar with a co-worker on one Saturday night. though i found myself longing for the safety of my room and my laptop where my beloved rpers were to keep me company. the safety of my room where there isn't any creepy drunk men who wouldn't stop talking about how wonderful my boobs are, and were no one was there for me to be compared to. i soon found myself safely in my corner doing what i do best. observing, watching and being the responsible one. even though i wasn't the driver i found myself at the end of the night completely sober. not that i hadn't had a few drinks. it was more i didn't have enough. while my driver was blissfully smashed i attempted to get a hold of her fiance in order for us to get home since they wouldn't let me walk >>....i had fun when i wasn't thinking. but once i started thinking i began becoming paranoid and shut down. >< i think i have a problem.
.....Sunday was my mother and fathers anniversary and once again i found myself with a delema. depressed, and lonely. i was desperate for someone to be around. yet i could not grab a hold of anyone. i found my self desperately grabbing for someone to cling to. someone to make me feel like i still exist and that i am not just a figment of Kori's imagination to which i am convinced i am >>.... i find that when i am depressed i tend to be more clingy. i wonder how much that bothers other people. oh well. i can't help it. it is how i am.i also still couldn't bring myself to go visit her grave....it's far to painful... pathetic aren't i?
Conclusion: I have depression problems and spend most of my time ether at work or in my room or angry at the world.....i am pretty sure i have issues and should seek help but who cares. no one can help me with the kind of help i need. >>...oh well that's about all. later folks!
Work: is fucking fabulous! i am not being sarcastic ether XD i am getting the shifts i want and getting more hours. i am doing a great job and it shows because my manager actually praised me and told me how reliable i was and how she could always count on me -beams with pride- i am so super happy about that :)
Relationships:...fuck...my..life......that is all...thank you -bows-
Me: Hmm, this is the hardest one to type to be honest with you. isn't it always hardest to tell people about what is going on inside of you. this is something i find myself struggling with on a day to day bases. words i want to say or things i wish to tell people never seem to leave my lips. i find myself consumed by the world that has shrunk to the safety of my room. not to say i haven't tried to get out and see the world. i have gone to the bar with a co-worker on one Saturday night. though i found myself longing for the safety of my room and my laptop where my beloved rpers were to keep me company. the safety of my room where there isn't any creepy drunk men who wouldn't stop talking about how wonderful my boobs are, and were no one was there for me to be compared to. i soon found myself safely in my corner doing what i do best. observing, watching and being the responsible one. even though i wasn't the driver i found myself at the end of the night completely sober. not that i hadn't had a few drinks. it was more i didn't have enough. while my driver was blissfully smashed i attempted to get a hold of her fiance in order for us to get home since they wouldn't let me walk >>....i had fun when i wasn't thinking. but once i started thinking i began becoming paranoid and shut down. >< i think i have a problem.
.....Sunday was my mother and fathers anniversary and once again i found myself with a delema. depressed, and lonely. i was desperate for someone to be around. yet i could not grab a hold of anyone. i found my self desperately grabbing for someone to cling to. someone to make me feel like i still exist and that i am not just a figment of Kori's imagination to which i am convinced i am >>.... i find that when i am depressed i tend to be more clingy. i wonder how much that bothers other people. oh well. i can't help it. it is how i am.i also still couldn't bring myself to go visit her grave....it's far to painful... pathetic aren't i?
Conclusion: I have depression problems and spend most of my time ether at work or in my room or angry at the world.....i am pretty sure i have issues and should seek help but who cares. no one can help me with the kind of help i need. >>...oh well that's about all. later folks!
