when you see my face, hope it gives you hell!

I love that song for the record. that song just seems to absolutely makes me smile because it makes me think of someone imperticular that every time i see them and they see me, my only thought is. " oh hey, look....i am better without them." now i know that sounds horrible of me to say but most of you don't know the story behind this one person. Now i know i said that i wouldn't bother talking about them or even acknowledging their existence but i believe that if i tell my story maybe i will finally be able to fully forget about this said person and only remember the good times i had.

Now first off i would like to state a few things. Number one: i am a very secluded person. i don't like who i am most of the time and often times don't want other people to see the genuine and weaker side of me. so for me to open up to someone and show them what i am like on the inside is very difficult for me. there are very few people to whom i have opened up to. These are the people i consider my sisters. My Ceanna, My Crystal and My Redneck Ninja. i shall speak of her in code for safety of both her and i. these are three people i have allowed to see who i am when i let my guard down. Because i have felt safe enough to open up to them i have been able to feel a bit more comfortable with who i am.
 Number Two: i like my space. i do not like to share my space. if there is someone in my space that i am not comfortable with then i get very anxious and very not myself. I don't liek ym stuff touched. it's my stff don't touch it!
Number three: I am also a people pleaser. i often do many things i don't want to just to make people happy. I hate hurting people.

okay now onto the main story. It all started about 4 and a half months ago. I had this Friend who i got along well with and i could relate to sometimes. she had a very painful past, one of which i don't entirely believe anymore, and with my motherly nature i wanted to, in other words, protect her. I enjoyed hanging out with her but before i knew it she was my new roommate.
   No i do not intend to speak her name because i am not like that. yes i am telling my side of the story but i have no intention for anyone outside of the small circle who was involved to know her name as to ensure that no one bothers her. it's not her fault she is a immature high school-er trying to play college. It also is not her fault she is so insecure that she has to go out of her way to try and do things to make me react to what she does. It is also not her fault she is a drama  queen and a chronic liar. i do not blame her for who she is. i blame her for not having any respect for anyone else or any self control or loyalty to friends.

okay so there was no trouble in lala land until i once again made the mistake of allowing myself to like a guy. i know better then to allow myself to be attratced to anyone, expectational a male. I thought nether she nor my other friend liked him. so i allowed myself to like him. Around him i felt safe, i felt human and for the first time ever i felt like i was beautiful. i felt like i was something special and not just a slab of meat with huge boobs that everyone always talked about and wanted to touch. let me speak this now. i hate my boobs. i hate that everyone always stares at them and i hate that everyone always wants to touch them. their boobs guys. they may be a bit bigger but they are still fricken boobs. get over it!
  Now, it was at this point that things got bad. i told her i liked him and it was then i should have seen the signs. she claimed not to like him and then before i knew it she became over clingy to me. always flirting with me, buying me things, always crawling on my lap and of course always making-out with me whenever she wanted. now i will admit that i liked it because one i am a sucker for kissing, two i love getting things and three i thought of it as nothing more then a friend showing her affection for another friend. but i was uncomfortable that every time he was around at our house (( which is actually my dad's house)) she was ether all over me, all over him or pushing us together like no other. all of my friends thought she wanted me. i think she just didn't want me to be happy. which is why she made everything awkward.
  then she admitted that she liked him. it was then i knew how this was gonna turn out. I knew that very second that they were going to get together and both of them were just going to use me like some common fuck toy. which they did.
she used me for a place to live, food, and a place to basically fuck him on my living room floor. now i am just at much as fault with her because i was so afraid of getting lost in the dust and being hated for being myself and opening up that i did just as much bad stuff as her. i was just as horrible and honestly i hate myself for allowing myself to like someone and allow myself to turn into someone like that. this went on for months. it was a repeating circle of pain. first it started with her 'trying' to back off which i realized was just her pathetic attempt at attention by cutting herself and making me panic and worry constantly about her so all of my attention was on her and not on him. Mind you both him and i spoke and we both agreed that we didn't want a relationship at the time and i was comfortable with being companions were we could cuddle, watch movies and enjoy each others company. i honestly think it would have worked out fine if my roommate hadn't been such a whore and constant throwing herself all over him.
  even my father pulled me aside and said that i needed to ask her to stop or he was gonna kick her out because he did not appreciate that he couldn't get a glass of water in the middle of the night without seeing her grinding herself all over him in the middle of his living room.
  i can't count how many times i had to convince my father not to kick her out. she was lazy, she never did any chores unless i was home and i was there to see her do it. our room was always a mess. her shit was everywhere all over my room, our living room. she claimed she needed someone to tell her what to do every morning. my fathers response was. " i'll be damned if i'm going to tell and 18 year old college student what to do every morning. she needs to get a brain and just damn well get off her lazy ass and do something"  my response was always defending her and claiming that she was still adjusting.
 now it wasn't until i started hearing about all the shit she was telling other people about me that i started to see the true side of her. the side of her that would do anything to get attention. the side of her that would even fake nightmares about a rape that probably never happened just to keep the attention off of me. and i am not saying she wasn't raped. i just don't believe that she was. and this is for several reasons.
one: she shows no signs at all of being a rape victim
two: she is not shy about her body
three: she is not withdrawn, nor does she freak out when she is touched
four: she shows no signs of being overly protective of her private areas.
again this is all in my own opinion. i can not say if she was raped or not and honestly it is none of my concern anymore. In fact none of her is my concern anymore.
  Now by now i am betting that you are thinking that it was because these two got together that i am not their friends anymore. you good sir or madam are very wrong. in all of the years of my life where every guy i liked went after my best friend as apposed to me i have always remained friends with that person. the reason i am not friends with these two is as follows.
 in the last four weeks of my friendship with this girl. the week of Christmas she spent with another friend and my dear beloved sister crystal informed me of all the shit my roommate was saying behind my back. shit like" a war is gonna start and she's gonna lose" or " I'm gonna steal him from behind her back and she won't see it coming" after hearing this my father finally kicked her out. i was so stressed and depressed that no matter what i said my father would not change his mind. he wanted his house back and he wanted his family back. within a few days of finding out she had been kicked out. she was moved out. after that she hardly spoke to me, she didn't even try to hang out with me. it was like i had never existed. this pissed me off because it made me realize that i was nothing more then a place to sleep, eat and fuck the guy i liked. then after school starts she hardly talks to me at all even though we went to school together and had a class together and she even ignored me a couple times. i was pissed.
Now comes the best part. the reason i am not friends with the guy anymore. as we spent more time together at my house i moved us to my room for respect of my dad and plus my bed was so much more comfortable to lay and cuddle on then my living room floor. the last night i spent alone with him i had work the next day, infact my first day of work in the service deli. so i wanted to get a decent nights sleep. so i told him at 11:30  he had to leave. we snuggled and nuzzled and grind a bit but once 11:30 rolled around i turned myself off and told him he had to go. his response was to cover up the clock with one of my shirts and refuse to leave. he continued to try and grind and turn me on. quite frankly it didn't work. for the first time ever i had to fake enjoy dry humping jsut so he could finish and so he could leave. because he would not listen to me. this really pissed me off. it was my house, my room and i don't give a shit who you are. if you don't respect me enough to get the hell out when i say so. then you don't deserve my respect. Needless to say the next time i saw him he was being all " i'm an exception to rules", " i leave when i want" and basically bragging about how great he was and all this shit. again this pissed me off. my house my rules, don't like it don't come over. By now i had already told him that if he wasn't intrested in me then i wasn't going to waste my time waiting for him. i knew it would be a matter of time before him and her were finally together. what i didn't expect was after spenidng all saturday night until almost 3 in the morning dry humping me. that he would ignore me for the next two weeks. not even bother trying to talk to me or contact me. or even trying to be my friend. as i later found out the reason he always ditched me was because he was busy dry humping and dry fucking my ex-roommate. because she would give him some and i wasn't playing his little game anymore.
 Honestly i would have still been their friends if they had treated me like i meant something to them other then a fucking toy. I have put up with a lot of shit but i am not about to be used up and thrown aside like some cheap common whore. so when the first real conversation i had with her or even the first time she spoke more then five words to me in the last month was to inform me that she and him were now dating. i was done. i was beyond pissed that both of them didn't care enough to at least try and hang with me in the last few weeks and that nether one of them even bothered to try and talk to me at all.
   so i did what i knew would hurt her the most. i congratulated them. i told her i was happy for them and i smiled. because i knew that if i did that i could prove that i was better then her. I knew at this moment i deserved both better friends and better people around me. so that night i told my redneck ninja to tell both of them i did not want to speak with them again. a request that nether one of them even seemed to be effected by at all. and i told her to tell everyone to leave them alone. it was their life and they could do whatever they wanted. i told crystal she could come over and that i was fine. in that one night i went through all the stages of rejection and was better by morning. It was then that rumors started. rumors that apparently i started. gosh be golly! i had no idea i could start rumors and not know it! My friend crystal started getting threatening text messages from untraceable numbers calling her a whore for picking me. the guy got threatening text messages claiming to be from ether me or my redneck ninja. all of these were not from us. in fact bother her and i had been telling people to leave them alone. and despite my effort to make sure no one caused any drama for them. drama seemed to be happening and for some reason i was to blame. Hmmm does anyone sense something strange here? something like a drama queen causing drama for herself because the shit she is pulling isn't effecting me at all. yeah that sounds about right to me.
  now by now the drama has died down. my friend crystal started getting random gifts with apology notes form an anonymous source. all where things that it was a bit obvious as to who was sending the gifts. finally i believe they have stopped. which is good because if they hadn't crystal was gonna go to the school and file a harassment charge against her. even though my ex-roommate denies that she was the one giving the presents she is such a bad liar that it was obviously her. thankfully she stopped.
   so now that all the drama has died down i have become a very happy person. my friend crystal can start relaxing and i don't have to be on alert to punch someone.
 even though it sounds like i have a lot of regrets with what happened, which i do have some, i honestly did enjoy being both of their friends. I however will never be friends with my ex-roommate again no matter how much she changes. even if the guy wants to be friends again one day our friendship will never be the same. and although i wish things had turned out differently i truly am happy that both of them are together. they seem that they will be good for each other. My only regret is that near one of them had enough respect for me to treat me like i was a human with a soul and a heart.