thinking is bad for Tena

once again i am reminded that it is a bad thing for myself to be allowed time to think. when i think i tend to over think. it's like i have this horrible bug inside my brain that pushes a big red button every time i start thinking so that my brain goes into hyper thought. it's very hard to shut it off.

today i keep thinking about this future date i have with this guy names Lucus...i am nervous since i have never met the guy. but he sounds so amazing. I'm hoping that this blind date works out. he sounds so sweet and he seems like his head is on his shoulder and not up his ass which would be a nice change of pace from what i am used to.  but the more i think about it the more i keep remembering how much i keep screwing up in almost everything.

in the last couple of weeks i just have had the hardest time doing anything right. which is weird because i actually seem to be doing fine at work except for the last couple days. in the last couple days i just kept making one mistake after another and at the start of work yesterday i was so agitated because i kept screwing up. first i didn't clean the fryers correctly the night before and the rotisserie needed cleaned and i had to clean it which hurt like hell because of all the scrubbing, then i didn't have my code so i couldn't do some training that my manager wanted me to get done that day. it got to the point where and half an hour into work i was about ready to cry. all my thoughts of how much of a failure i am just kept popping up and smacking me in the face. full force too.

but then as i stared down at the grease covered bottom of the chicken rotisserie i began to think why i was a failure...what had i done to make myself a failure...i hadn't done anything. i have friends who loved me and treated me like i was important to them...i have a father who loves me so much that he got a 42 inch flat screen for our living room so that we could rearrange the living room together and make our house feel like a home again. i have a little sister who would stand up to god for me if she had to. i have a older sister and one nephew and three nieces who i rarely see but i love to see and love me just as much....and i had a wonderful and beautiful mother who fought to the very end to live so she could be there for me. I wasn't a failure..i was just one person who was doing what every human does. I was taking mistakes as they aren't meant to be taken..i took them as mistakes when i should have been learning from them. i was feeling guilty for being a human and not being perfect.

it's odd how scrubbing a grease and chick fat covered baking oven can make you realize what you are really doing wrong. that saying a mistake is only a mistake if you don't learn from it really became true to me. I realized that i had to think positively otherwise the next six hours of my work day were going to be terrible...so i buckled down and did what i needed to do in order to make sure i learned from my mistakes and didn't leave them as such.

i suppose this also will help me when it comes to school..often times i just tell myself i can't do it or i am not good enough...well guess what world i am good enough!..and i don't need anyone to tell me that and i don't need anyone to make me feel like i am worth something more the shit.. although friendly reminders are nice every once in a while! XD

Hmmm...you know what...i know this Lucus thing is going to work out...and you know why?..because so long as i keep positive then everything will work out. as for all my other problems like my money problems i have learned form those as well. i will be more careful now days.

Hmmm...oh good news. the packers won! they're going to the Super Bowl! my dad is so excited XD he's so cute when he's all excited and jumping up and down and such. silly daddy, well..alright that's about all fomr me for today. thanks for looking into my brain with me.