Ho Hum.....-sigh-

Oh my, is it really October? were ever did my precious time go? it seems to have passed before i even fully realized it was gone. oh dear me....whatever will i do now? to update you on what my life has been like for the last  six months would take far to much time. so allow me to briefly describe my life at it's current moment. all of the important parts that is.

Family: hell, i don't even want to think about my family. just thinking about them gives me a severe headache. my sister is a million times worse. she is a lazy bum whom i am incredibly disappointed in and wish i could call the cops on when she is outside my house smoking pot. however if i did such a thing my neighbor threatened to beat my ass and has already sent me into a mental break down due to him screaming at me for just threatening to call the cops....bastard. as if i don't have enough pain in my life he had to go an do that >>...that was not fun.

Dad saddens me. always drinking, and i am pretty sure he is smoking too now. great my whole family is dissolving before my very eyes. oh the joy >>... i am embarrassed to even have friends over anymore. that is the reason i don't bug my crystal to come visit me. i miss her and my Gabi terribly T_T but i am so embarrassed by my house and my family that i dare not bring them around. not to mention that because of my family i never leave the safety of my room. i don't want to be around that crap. i have blown up a few times which was pretty. isn't it a shame that my entire been seems to be consumed by a fiery anger that rages up over the stupidest things.

Friends: eh, my close trio turned into a duo and i miss my twin T_T i have made a few new friends to whom live in various parts of the state (yes grell that is about you  as well as my hunny-sempai XD). Kori and my relationship has never been better and it is weird that she is finally paying attention to me. love her to death though. unfortunately for her i am that tumor on her side that she can't get rid of. i have the effect on people. i tend to be cancerous XD I was suprised a while ago when my phone rang and it was my dear old Ceanna. we both have been through so much and have had a rough couple years. i was both frightened and excited to see she called. i was sure she had forgotten i exsisted and i thought it for the best for her that i disappear. we are working things out and that makes me happy. which reminds me i need to call her XD I do hope she is having a good week isn't that like me always worried about other people XD  

Work: is fucking fabulous! i am not being sarcastic ether XD i am getting the shifts i want and getting more hours. i am doing a great job and it shows because my manager actually praised me and told me how reliable i was and how she could always count on me -beams with pride-  i am so super happy about that :)

Relationships:...fuck...my..life......that is all...thank you -bows-

Me: Hmm, this is the hardest one to type to be honest with you. isn't it always hardest to tell people about what is going on inside of you. this is something i find myself struggling with on a day to day bases. words i want to say or things i wish to tell people never seem to leave my lips. i find myself consumed by the world that has shrunk to the safety of my room. not to say i haven't tried to get out and see the world. i have gone to the bar with a co-worker on one Saturday night. though i found myself longing for the safety of my room and my laptop where my beloved rpers were to keep me company. the safety of my room where there isn't any creepy drunk men who wouldn't stop talking about how wonderful my boobs are, and were no one was there for me to be compared to. i soon found myself safely in my corner doing what i do best. observing, watching and being the responsible one. even though i wasn't the driver i found myself at the end of the night completely sober. not that i hadn't had a few drinks. it was more i didn't have enough. while my driver was blissfully smashed i attempted to get a hold of her fiance in order for us to get home since they wouldn't let me walk >>....i had fun when i wasn't thinking. but once i started thinking i began becoming paranoid and shut down. >< i think i have a problem.

.....Sunday was my mother and fathers anniversary and once again i found myself with a delema. depressed, and lonely. i was desperate for someone to be around. yet i could not grab a hold of anyone.  i found my self desperately grabbing for someone to cling to. someone to make me feel like i still exist and that i am not just a figment of Kori's imagination to which i am convinced i am >>.... i find that when i am depressed i tend to be more clingy.  i wonder how much that bothers other people. oh well. i can't help it.  it is how i am.i also still couldn't bring myself to go visit her grave....it's far to painful... pathetic aren't i?



Conclusion: I have depression problems and spend most of my time ether at work or in my room or angry at the world.....i am pretty sure i have issues and should seek help but who cares.  no one can help me with the kind of help i need. >>...oh well that's about all. later folks!

Mini- Me

Random fact about me! This is my Niece i call my Mini-Me. don't we look alike! i mean there are obvious differences but still we do look a lot alike! I love her she is so fricken adorable. now she just needs to learn to behave herself and listen to her mother D:< yes i am scolding you on my blog! XD

~warning tears to come!!!!!!!


   Dear Momma
   I apologize i realize i am a good three days late. but i have been extremely busy. I didn't forget that Friday was your birthday, nor did i forget to get you anything. in fact i got you a beautiful bouquet of flowers that i have on the table so that everyone can see them. dad asked if i wanted him to take me to take them out to your grave...i said no.
   I know i am a strong person, and i know that i have a fire in me that not many others have. and yet i still can't bring myself to go to your grave. going there just to bury you was hard enough...seeing your ashes in that beautiful box grandpa made shattered my world and brought to the reality of the fact that you are gone. knowing that i only got 19 years with you and now Westlee gets you for the rest of eternity. i suppose it's only fair that he gets some time with you too. but still just knowing that your gone...well frankly it fucking sucks.
 I mean it is so much easier to stay at home and pretend that you are still in that nursing home and that i will get to see you on Sunday. even though i know you are not i can't help but watch your old room window whenever i pass that nursing home. just praying i will see you there.
  School is going well. i am having a bit of trouble with my ex-roommate harassing me and my friends but don't worry mom. no matter what she does she won't effect me. she can try all she wants but i will stay strong and get her out of my life forever. I feel bad for her other friends though. i pray that they never see or hear the shit she says...and i pray that they never have to suffer the same mind fuck game she tried to play with me. no one deserves to be messed with the way she messed with my head.
  Home is hell....honestly mom home fucking sucks without you here to keep us together....dad is always depressed and in his room...in your room...he is drinking most of the time even though he claims he isn't anymore...we both know he is...the only time he isn't in his room is when my friends are over...otherwise he is in his room sleeping...Rachael has gone to a complete bottom out....she does weed and honestly i have no problem with pot heads. most of the pot heads i know are actually very chill and responsible with it, but she takes it to an extreme...and her anger...she is out of control mom. i honestly hate living here....i wanna leave mom...i wanna get away and go out but every time i try dad holds me more tightly by making promises and things...he won't let me escape mom...i am trapped and i am losing my mind. without you it's like our family doesn't have anything holding us together.
    I miss you mom...i miss you like works can't describe....the emptiness that fills my heart from where you used to be aches so much that sometimes i just want to die....most of the time i can't smile, i can't laugh...i just want to curl us in my bed and hide from the world.
   I know i promised mom..but i can't help but blame God for you being gone...i mean i know i am not perfect and i know racheal is fucked up but you! you were one of the most amazing people in the entire fucking world! why is it that you had to die and then horrible people like some of my friends parents get to live...now i would never wish for anyone to feel the pain i feel. the pain and anger i feel whenever someone brings up their mom...or the hatred at those damn your mama jokes. But i mean i can't even go to church without feeling an uncontrollable amount of anger just consume my entire body. i am scared...i have never felt so hatred and anger in my entire body....but lately all i feel is anger, hatred and depression! ...i just i miss you so much mom....i miss our morning coffee and GMA and Regis and Kelly every morning...i just...it all hurts so much...
But dispite the fact that life is hell...i have quite a few good things. I have two amazing friends who would be there for me no matter what. both of who are just flat out two of the most amazing people in the world. i love them to death. Not to mention there is this totally amazing chick who i absolutely adore and want so badly. and she always makes me smile and makes me feel like i am a human. i always look forward to our movie nights. she just makes me feel less useless and helpless...i absolutely adore her. I have a job! and i love my job! and i am good at my job
 well mom i have to start cleaning the house...yeah i still do all the work around here and Rachael still doesn't do shit...i doubt that is ever going to change. but oh well...at least i get my alone time...I love you mom...take care...miss you...and Happy Birthday Mom
   -Katie

I am so out of here!!!

I am officially moving out of my house. I told my father that i will be moved out by July. and i have full intention of getting the fuck out of this house.

Oh right random fact about me, almost forgot um lets see... Oh i got it! I am totally addicted to Pepsi. like it is beyond an addiction. i need this stuff or else i become an evil demoness.you don't want to fuck with me when i have no Pepsi in my system O.O.....like you have been warned.

so yeah back to the first statement of my blog. i am moving the fuck out of my house in july. i want out and that is that. My sister has exactly that time to get a job otherwise her and dad will have to move too. or so my father claims i don't think they will. he can get food stamps with her and what not. he just is useing that to try and keep me in the same house. it's not gonna work.

no i am not planning on getting a roommate. to be honest i am just not roommate material. i like my space and i don't like to share my space. but if i were in a relationship with someone that might change. that kind of roommate i could handle. and honestly i would have no problem like getting a place with a boyfriend or a girlfriend. but any other kind of roommate would be bad for me. i am thinking of this one place that isn't to far from my dad's place. just cause i know dad will want me to come over and visit as much as possible. just cause i know that is how my dad is.

but i can not wait. i want so badly to have my own place and be on my own. i need it so badly. but of course i am waiting until after spring term. like heck i am gonna look for a place to stay while i am attempting to attend school. not happening dog, not happening.

so yeah those are my updates, i can't wait to be out on my own. and it is gonna happen for sure! I am possitive!!

Pet a Tena and she shall Purr

It's true, pet me by like playing with my hair or rubbing my back, heck even tickling or scratching my back, and i practically turn into a purring kitty XD

so i like the idea of starting each blog with some strange fact about me XD I'm totally digging this idea. anyways lets cont with my latest new. ^//^

So i suffer form a mild case of depression. I know this is a fact and i know this because i saw my mother suffered from depression for years. so when i have symptoms i can tell. Lately i have had a really rough case of it. It got to the point where i didn't even want to leave my house. i didn't want to move i didn't want to eat, sleep, or even do anything. i didn't even want to rp i was so depressed.

So when i get depressed i get very cuddly because i need that feeling of human interaction otherwise i lose my mind. So i have been a little clingy but i haven't really had anyone to cuddle with. Honestly the best cure for my depression is a late night watching movies, cuddling and talking. this will cure me instantly. so I have spoken of the one i call My Lesbian. I call her that because i refer to all my friends as Mine. and the one thing that makes her solely unique is that she is the only pure lesbian chick i know and the first chick i ever wanted to date. she is so cute >///<

so my dad got me the movie burlesque because i love Christina Agulaiura and Cher. And i love this fricken movie. well My lesbian hadn't seen it yet so i invited her over to come watch it with me. My friends and i joked about me getting some action and stuff like that but honestly, i just wanted to have at least sometime with her so i can get to know her better. because when we're at work depending on who we are working with. we never have time to talk. so honestly although i was joking with my friends about her and stuff i really just wanted to spend time with her. so we watch burlesque and the movie ends. and honestly i didn't want her to leave. so i offered to watch another movie. she hadn't seen To Wong foo thanks for everything Julie Newmar which is one of my favorite movies. so we watch the movie and spent a couple hours just talking which was so nice! just having someone new to have a conversation with and get to know. so around like 4 o'clock i still don't want her to leave and we are still talking so i put in I Love You Man (( great movie!!!!)) and we end up just cuddling and relaxing. we ended up staying up all night and finally around 5:30 i turned the t.v off and we just cuddled and went to sleep. Honestly i have never felt so relaxed then last night when i was hanging with her. i was just so comfortable it was wonderful

so yeah those are my life updates. School is finally over but i still have a couple papers i have to write for my Poetry class. have i ever told you i hate poetry. I don't get it...and i suck at it....anyways!
 Peace, Love, Joy to the World, all that Jazz and have a good night folks XD

Black Nails are sexy

I find black nail's absolutely sexy. but that has nothing to do with my blog for the day. I just wanted to allow you a moment of my thoughts.

anyways more updates! yay! Lets see what has been going on in my life since my last post. Well i no longer have a cold. i was over that in a matter of days and i feel all better and rejuvenated. i did make a mistake while i was sick. although i had an absolute blast i shouldn't have walked home in the rain ><

Basically where i live we have this thing called first Friday art night. it's the first Friday of every month and basically the shops down town and it's a night with a bunch of annoying teenager walk around and hang out down town. while in high school i did find it fun as an adult i get annoyed with the annoying teenagers who just act all stupid and shit. But anyways My red neck Ninja had been asked by this chick to go to the new club that had just opened up down town. she didn't know this was a date XD so she invited me cause i wanted to go dancing. I knew that we needed to bring my crystal because come on! it's not a party unless my crystal is there!
 so we made it a girls night. we went out to dinner, walked for a bit and then went to the club.
 i had so much fricken fun! I danced for a bit, got to hang out and relax, danced a bit more. hung out with crystal and a guy i am now going to call Hands. yes..Hands is his name and that is what he will be refereed to in my blogs.  anyways he is named that for a reason, and crystal and i know why. man he his talented...and no it's not that dirty you perverts! he is really good at shoulder massages.
so we have a great time Friday night just hanging out. so now we've made every first Friday is our girls night XD yay girls night!

so yeah after that night i spent the next day in bed getting better, and all of Sunday getting better so then i was able to go back to school on monday. i was happy ^^ yay school.  now that last weekend. Sunday was also the day that i got my Pokemon game! I love my Pokemon game! so fricken much!!!  anyways i got black and i got white for my crystal. i love the game and i hope she loves it too >< it is a fun game. a bit bothersome but very fun.

well there are my updates for now.  have somethings i need to do. later Peeps!

Hmmm...updates

Ugh >< i'm gonna kill my sister she gave me her cold. which really sucks because i don't have time for a fucking cold >< she is so dead.

anyways update time. MPD turned out to be some random guy who just wanted in my pants and he stopped talking to me once he realized i wasn't gonna let him in my pants. sorry dude but i do care about who gets into those. I'm not some cheap whore you know. But i find it strange in the way things progressed, like the fact that he randomly game me a Pepsi after me never meeting the dude or even noticing him before. and then he ignored me for a good month and then suddenly he is obsessed with me. oddly enough i have my superstitions as to why this suddenly happened. i mean what guy gives a chick a pepsi, ignores her for a month, then tries to get itno her pants and then after fialing once gives up...come on if he was waiting that long i doubt he'd give up so easily.

But yeah so that's what happened with him. besides it's all good since i kinda have my eyes on someone else. the only issue is she is a she. I have a strict no dating girls policy because of all of my leadership roles at my church and honestly dating girls just seems to bother some. but for her i would make an exception. just because she is the kind of person i need in a relationship. but again i don't know if she is into me that way. but ether way i am still gonna try.  I mean after all not like i have much to lose. plus she is always flirting with me.>X3 not to mention she is a total Dom.

anyways that's all my updates for now. i will probably have more later but i am so tired and sick feeling that i think I'm just gonna go lay down now. >< ugh i haven't felt this crappy since last November through December.

DUDE!!!! o.O...DUDE!!!!!

 i have a boyfriend. okay so it's not official official but it seems pretty damn sure. i mean he even calls me babe and such. but there is a story behind this guy okay.

so it all started like two to three weeks ago. I'm sitting in the cafe and i had said hi to this guy like not long earlier. like i had never met the guy but i was waving at a friend and this cute guy with a red short Mohawk and lots of tattoos waves at me so to be polite i waved back. so i'm sitting there with my friends and next thing i know he comes over and sets a bottle of Pepsi in front of me and politely said. " you said you wanted a Pepsi right?" i nod and thank him and then he goes and sits down. i of course was flustered and flattered. so i later asked a guy i know about it and he was like " ohh he likes you" and i was all bushy and like " no way!"

so a couple weeks go by and i am kinda doing this inner change thing. were I'm working on my self confidence and trying to be more me like. so i get my hair cut and dye it a dark cherry red and start wearing cover up that is my shade and just try to look better. i am even taking lessons on how to have a conversation with a guy because i really wanna get out there and try.

so yestarday my dad took me shopping for some new cloths. i got a few pairs of jeans and a couple shirts. so i get kinda dressed up today. just to make myself feel good. i straightened my hair, did my make-up and wore one of my new outfits. even i have to admit i felt and looked really good. so i go with lea into the cafeteria and of course i notice thi guy all the time now because i am an observant person. so i am sitting there with lea just talking and all of the sudden he comes over and is all like " i just had to complement you, i think you look beautiful everyday, but today you look expectancy stunning" and I'm all like " well thank you" and he is like " you're welcome" and goes and sits down. lea of course is like low 5ing me and telling me I'm awesome and she's so proud of me. so a few minutes later he comes over and hands me a piece of paper and gives me his number. so i decide to give him mine. what did i have to lose right?! i mean he was cute and seemed so sweet!. so i go over and give him my number and tell him we should get coffee sometime. so we start texting and just talking and he is so sweet!

okay so I'm not 100% sure if he is my boyfriend yet but he seems pretty for sure we are. and i honestly have no problem having him as a boyfriend. he even stopped by on his way to go help his mom out just to say hi and meet my family and friend. i can't believe how lucky i got! and dude he is super cute! he's an MMA fighter. (( Mixed martial arts) and he's 28, he was in the army for ten years and he is really nice. even my dad liked him and he only met him for like a few minutes.

anyways I'm gonna watch my redneck ninja and my dad bowl on Wii and try not to have a heart attack. -SQUEAL!!!!!!-

when you see my face, hope it gives you hell!

I love that song for the record. that song just seems to absolutely makes me smile because it makes me think of someone imperticular that every time i see them and they see me, my only thought is. " oh hey, look....i am better without them." now i know that sounds horrible of me to say but most of you don't know the story behind this one person. Now i know i said that i wouldn't bother talking about them or even acknowledging their existence but i believe that if i tell my story maybe i will finally be able to fully forget about this said person and only remember the good times i had.

Now first off i would like to state a few things. Number one: i am a very secluded person. i don't like who i am most of the time and often times don't want other people to see the genuine and weaker side of me. so for me to open up to someone and show them what i am like on the inside is very difficult for me. there are very few people to whom i have opened up to. These are the people i consider my sisters. My Ceanna, My Crystal and My Redneck Ninja. i shall speak of her in code for safety of both her and i. these are three people i have allowed to see who i am when i let my guard down. Because i have felt safe enough to open up to them i have been able to feel a bit more comfortable with who i am.
 Number Two: i like my space. i do not like to share my space. if there is someone in my space that i am not comfortable with then i get very anxious and very not myself. I don't liek ym stuff touched. it's my stff don't touch it!
Number three: I am also a people pleaser. i often do many things i don't want to just to make people happy. I hate hurting people.

okay now onto the main story. It all started about 4 and a half months ago. I had this Friend who i got along well with and i could relate to sometimes. she had a very painful past, one of which i don't entirely believe anymore, and with my motherly nature i wanted to, in other words, protect her. I enjoyed hanging out with her but before i knew it she was my new roommate.
   No i do not intend to speak her name because i am not like that. yes i am telling my side of the story but i have no intention for anyone outside of the small circle who was involved to know her name as to ensure that no one bothers her. it's not her fault she is a immature high school-er trying to play college. It also is not her fault she is so insecure that she has to go out of her way to try and do things to make me react to what she does. It is also not her fault she is a drama  queen and a chronic liar. i do not blame her for who she is. i blame her for not having any respect for anyone else or any self control or loyalty to friends.

okay so there was no trouble in lala land until i once again made the mistake of allowing myself to like a guy. i know better then to allow myself to be attratced to anyone, expectational a male. I thought nether she nor my other friend liked him. so i allowed myself to like him. Around him i felt safe, i felt human and for the first time ever i felt like i was beautiful. i felt like i was something special and not just a slab of meat with huge boobs that everyone always talked about and wanted to touch. let me speak this now. i hate my boobs. i hate that everyone always stares at them and i hate that everyone always wants to touch them. their boobs guys. they may be a bit bigger but they are still fricken boobs. get over it!
  Now, it was at this point that things got bad. i told her i liked him and it was then i should have seen the signs. she claimed not to like him and then before i knew it she became over clingy to me. always flirting with me, buying me things, always crawling on my lap and of course always making-out with me whenever she wanted. now i will admit that i liked it because one i am a sucker for kissing, two i love getting things and three i thought of it as nothing more then a friend showing her affection for another friend. but i was uncomfortable that every time he was around at our house (( which is actually my dad's house)) she was ether all over me, all over him or pushing us together like no other. all of my friends thought she wanted me. i think she just didn't want me to be happy. which is why she made everything awkward.
  then she admitted that she liked him. it was then i knew how this was gonna turn out. I knew that very second that they were going to get together and both of them were just going to use me like some common fuck toy. which they did.
she used me for a place to live, food, and a place to basically fuck him on my living room floor. now i am just at much as fault with her because i was so afraid of getting lost in the dust and being hated for being myself and opening up that i did just as much bad stuff as her. i was just as horrible and honestly i hate myself for allowing myself to like someone and allow myself to turn into someone like that. this went on for months. it was a repeating circle of pain. first it started with her 'trying' to back off which i realized was just her pathetic attempt at attention by cutting herself and making me panic and worry constantly about her so all of my attention was on her and not on him. Mind you both him and i spoke and we both agreed that we didn't want a relationship at the time and i was comfortable with being companions were we could cuddle, watch movies and enjoy each others company. i honestly think it would have worked out fine if my roommate hadn't been such a whore and constant throwing herself all over him.
  even my father pulled me aside and said that i needed to ask her to stop or he was gonna kick her out because he did not appreciate that he couldn't get a glass of water in the middle of the night without seeing her grinding herself all over him in the middle of his living room.
  i can't count how many times i had to convince my father not to kick her out. she was lazy, she never did any chores unless i was home and i was there to see her do it. our room was always a mess. her shit was everywhere all over my room, our living room. she claimed she needed someone to tell her what to do every morning. my fathers response was. " i'll be damned if i'm going to tell and 18 year old college student what to do every morning. she needs to get a brain and just damn well get off her lazy ass and do something"  my response was always defending her and claiming that she was still adjusting.
 now it wasn't until i started hearing about all the shit she was telling other people about me that i started to see the true side of her. the side of her that would do anything to get attention. the side of her that would even fake nightmares about a rape that probably never happened just to keep the attention off of me. and i am not saying she wasn't raped. i just don't believe that she was. and this is for several reasons.
one: she shows no signs at all of being a rape victim
two: she is not shy about her body
three: she is not withdrawn, nor does she freak out when she is touched
four: she shows no signs of being overly protective of her private areas.
again this is all in my own opinion. i can not say if she was raped or not and honestly it is none of my concern anymore. In fact none of her is my concern anymore.
  Now by now i am betting that you are thinking that it was because these two got together that i am not their friends anymore. you good sir or madam are very wrong. in all of the years of my life where every guy i liked went after my best friend as apposed to me i have always remained friends with that person. the reason i am not friends with these two is as follows.
 in the last four weeks of my friendship with this girl. the week of Christmas she spent with another friend and my dear beloved sister crystal informed me of all the shit my roommate was saying behind my back. shit like" a war is gonna start and she's gonna lose" or " I'm gonna steal him from behind her back and she won't see it coming" after hearing this my father finally kicked her out. i was so stressed and depressed that no matter what i said my father would not change his mind. he wanted his house back and he wanted his family back. within a few days of finding out she had been kicked out. she was moved out. after that she hardly spoke to me, she didn't even try to hang out with me. it was like i had never existed. this pissed me off because it made me realize that i was nothing more then a place to sleep, eat and fuck the guy i liked. then after school starts she hardly talks to me at all even though we went to school together and had a class together and she even ignored me a couple times. i was pissed.
Now comes the best part. the reason i am not friends with the guy anymore. as we spent more time together at my house i moved us to my room for respect of my dad and plus my bed was so much more comfortable to lay and cuddle on then my living room floor. the last night i spent alone with him i had work the next day, infact my first day of work in the service deli. so i wanted to get a decent nights sleep. so i told him at 11:30  he had to leave. we snuggled and nuzzled and grind a bit but once 11:30 rolled around i turned myself off and told him he had to go. his response was to cover up the clock with one of my shirts and refuse to leave. he continued to try and grind and turn me on. quite frankly it didn't work. for the first time ever i had to fake enjoy dry humping jsut so he could finish and so he could leave. because he would not listen to me. this really pissed me off. it was my house, my room and i don't give a shit who you are. if you don't respect me enough to get the hell out when i say so. then you don't deserve my respect. Needless to say the next time i saw him he was being all " i'm an exception to rules", " i leave when i want" and basically bragging about how great he was and all this shit. again this pissed me off. my house my rules, don't like it don't come over. By now i had already told him that if he wasn't intrested in me then i wasn't going to waste my time waiting for him. i knew it would be a matter of time before him and her were finally together. what i didn't expect was after spenidng all saturday night until almost 3 in the morning dry humping me. that he would ignore me for the next two weeks. not even bother trying to talk to me or contact me. or even trying to be my friend. as i later found out the reason he always ditched me was because he was busy dry humping and dry fucking my ex-roommate. because she would give him some and i wasn't playing his little game anymore.
 Honestly i would have still been their friends if they had treated me like i meant something to them other then a fucking toy. I have put up with a lot of shit but i am not about to be used up and thrown aside like some cheap common whore. so when the first real conversation i had with her or even the first time she spoke more then five words to me in the last month was to inform me that she and him were now dating. i was done. i was beyond pissed that both of them didn't care enough to at least try and hang with me in the last few weeks and that nether one of them even bothered to try and talk to me at all.
   so i did what i knew would hurt her the most. i congratulated them. i told her i was happy for them and i smiled. because i knew that if i did that i could prove that i was better then her. I knew at this moment i deserved both better friends and better people around me. so that night i told my redneck ninja to tell both of them i did not want to speak with them again. a request that nether one of them even seemed to be effected by at all. and i told her to tell everyone to leave them alone. it was their life and they could do whatever they wanted. i told crystal she could come over and that i was fine. in that one night i went through all the stages of rejection and was better by morning. It was then that rumors started. rumors that apparently i started. gosh be golly! i had no idea i could start rumors and not know it! My friend crystal started getting threatening text messages from untraceable numbers calling her a whore for picking me. the guy got threatening text messages claiming to be from ether me or my redneck ninja. all of these were not from us. in fact bother her and i had been telling people to leave them alone. and despite my effort to make sure no one caused any drama for them. drama seemed to be happening and for some reason i was to blame. Hmmm does anyone sense something strange here? something like a drama queen causing drama for herself because the shit she is pulling isn't effecting me at all. yeah that sounds about right to me.
  now by now the drama has died down. my friend crystal started getting random gifts with apology notes form an anonymous source. all where things that it was a bit obvious as to who was sending the gifts. finally i believe they have stopped. which is good because if they hadn't crystal was gonna go to the school and file a harassment charge against her. even though my ex-roommate denies that she was the one giving the presents she is such a bad liar that it was obviously her. thankfully she stopped.
   so now that all the drama has died down i have become a very happy person. my friend crystal can start relaxing and i don't have to be on alert to punch someone.
 even though it sounds like i have a lot of regrets with what happened, which i do have some, i honestly did enjoy being both of their friends. I however will never be friends with my ex-roommate again no matter how much she changes. even if the guy wants to be friends again one day our friendship will never be the same. and although i wish things had turned out differently i truly am happy that both of them are together. they seem that they will be good for each other. My only regret is that near one of them had enough respect for me to treat me like i was a human with a soul and a heart.

My Electronics

I am a strange individual. i often times feel more connection with my electronics then i do with most people. I suppose it has something to do with that fact that my electronics can''t judge me or hate me for how my brain works or what i do. I know that there are a few of my friends who don't judge me and who probably would not hate me even though i am a very paranoid person, i know they wouldn't hate me. unless i did something stupid in which case they would probably just slap me across the back of the head and tell me to get my head out of my ass. But with my electronics i feel a sense of safety. there are many examples of this.

one example is my laptop Bernard. I adore my Bernard. he is always thee when i need him. he works perfectly fine and most importantly he doesn't care who much of a weirdo i can be. for example. i enjoy reading and writing smut. mostly i enjoy reading and writing very sadistic smut. here is an example of a story i have yet to finish and i probably won't because it is more details then any story i had ever written. for the record i don't own Enrico or Anderson. those belong to the creator of the wonderful anime Hellsing.

(   “Oh you have got to be fucking kidding me” she said to herself as her eyes looked him up and down. He had gotten rid of his long trench coat and was just in his priest clothing. Compared to her he was a giant at least twice her size. Why had she never noticed just how tall he was before now? After all she knew he was tall but really there was tall and then there was Anderson, two completely different categories.
     “Allo Lass…” he said and before she could even scream he had one massive hand over her mouth and the other arm around her chest pinning both her upper arms against the side of her body. She began to kick with all her might. her stilettos becoming a deadly weapon to any who would dare come near. She let out an ear piercing scream but it was muffled but the overly large hairy hand that was covering her lips. Sapphire irises flew towards Enrico with a look of pure enraged anger. Her perfectly manicured nails dug into thick and touch Scottish flesh as she attempted to get away from the Paladin. Regrettably Anderson was too strong for her to manage to get away. After all she was just a mere mortal and he is Iscariots best agent. She didn’t stand a chance. Obviously Enrico knew all about this and was using this to his advantage. Enrico reached into one of his desk drawers and pulled out a small syringe filled with some strange blue fluid. Her breath caught in her throat as she pushed back away from Enrico. She ended up pushing her body up against Anderson’s strong frame. She could feel the outline of his large cross; he wore around his neck, pushing into her lower back. At least she hoped that was what was poking her in the back. She shook her head her muffled screams had stopped momentarily and so had her wild kicking. She focused on the object of her greatest fear. She wasn’t afraid of Enrico per say but needles had always been an issue for her. Terror filled every fiber of her petite frame as Enrico advanced on her with that syringe in his hands. His lips spread in a rather dominating smile. It was almost as if he was a proud hunter about to bag the catch of a lifetime.   
      “Oh…That’s right you’re afraid of needles aren’t you? I had /almost/ forgotten” he said with a chuckle as Anderson held onto her tightly his breath against her neck. She could feel the stubble on Andersons chin scratch at her skin. Enrico moved forward and pushed his body up against hers. Her eyes stayed on the syringe with a very intent look in her eyes.
“Enrico no!”She screamed but it was muffled so it sounded like a bunch of grabbled words. Enrico simply let out a chuckle as he gave her neck a simple kiss and trailed his tongue up her neck.
“I think we have frightened father” he continued to tease her.
      “Don’t worry lass, Et'll joos' bae ae bit o' ae prick, thae's all.” Anderson reassured her as he whispered into her ear”...The shot thae’s es” he said with a soft chuckle as Enrico grabbed her wrist. Anderson let go of that one arm while Enrico slipped off her jacket. Revealing a long sleeve that was slit from the top to her wrist where the fabric was sown back together. Enrico grabbed her wrist and stepped back pulling her arm out towards him with the syringe in his other hand. She let out another scream as she managed to slip out of his grip. Out of pure instincts she rose up her newly free arm and punched him across the face knocking him back onto his butt and onto the floor. Her eyes widened in horror of what had just happened. As if the situation couldn’t be bad enough she just had to go and punch Enrico. She felt so stupid right now.             
      The syringe rolled across the floor while Enrico raised a hand to the side of his face a small dribble of blood trailed down the side of his lip from a small cut on his lip. His once cool and playful eyes looked up at her with a completely different emotion in them. His eyes were filled with a look of purely uncensored anger. She knew this was not good at all. Even Anderson knew that she was completely doomed now. The thoughts he had of what Enrico might do to her brought joy to the said paladin. Of course he didn’t like hurting women but she was special. She was their play thing.
    “You heathen whore” he hissed rubbing the side of his face.” Father, hold her for me.” Enrico ordered him. Anderson nodded. He grabbed her arms and pinned them behind her back. Leaving her mouth uncovered. He could feel her body begin to tremble. He knew she knew what she had just done and what was to come. Her terror sent a shiver of excitement through his entire body. He knew Enrico didn’t take acts of disobedience like that lightly. With one simple punch she had managed to doom herself for a good while.)

needless to say that story goes further but it haven't finished it yet so XP no more for you.  but yes so this is only one example of my twisted sense of smut.

another electronic that i adore would be my Kindle Alfred, My Nintendo DS, Red, and my I-pod, Violet, and my cellphone, Dill.
then there is the newest addition to my electronic friends. that would be my Wii Fitness board. For those of you who don't know me in person i am rather over weight. not as over weight as i thought i was, but still fairly over weight. it isn't like i can't lose the weight. really i just love Pepsi and food to much. but i always told my dad that if we ever got a Wii i wanted a Wii Fit so i could work out. Now believe it or not i love being active. i love going hiking, biking, jogging, swimming and going out and playing. i rather enjoy working out oddly enough. but my issue is well...i don't like to acknowledge my weight. it has to do with the judging thing. i hate being judged by people. which is why whenever i would get the courage to go for a jog or start working out. i would lose my nerve because i knew that people would just laugh at me. i would look like just another fat chick trying to fit in with the world.

What i love about my Wii Fitness Board. aka W.F.B, is that it doesn't judge me. i know it sounds cheesy to say but i like the fact that i can password my account so that no one can see my weight or progress. i love that my trainer always uses positive feedback with a few hint here and there to help me. i guess it makes me feel good knowing that the reason i am not as good as the person on the t.v is because the trainer is a program and not a real person i have to compare myself too.  as weird as it sounds it made it a lot easier to get up this morning and do ten minutes of yoga and then twelve of aerobics, knowing that what i was doing no one else could see. so if i do bad..no one is there to judge me and pity me. i guess i am just a strange person. i don't even know if this is making much sense but it does in my brain.

so yeah i mostly just felt like talking about my electronically devices. but anyways i suppose o should pay attention in class now. well i shall talk to you all later. sorry my post seem so random. i really have a random brain.

laughing to keep from crying

needless to say the title says it all.

last night was my first time meeting Lucus. this guy my friend is trying to set me up with. He was super nice and he seemed like he'd be fun to hang around with a get to know. and we shared a few laughs. had some small conversation. he seemed curious as to why i think i would belong in a mental ward and it's simple. i am just simply an extremely dark person who thinks to much. not to mention i have a pretty twisited mind. i blame Freddy Kruger and Chucky as well as R.L.Stine for that factor. so the evening was going fine. i shoved my sister and her friend in my sisters room with a small pizza from Abby's and some soda as well as the magaritas my dad made for them. everything was fine until they got drunk.

then it was constant fighting to keep them in the room and out of the living room. laughing at their pure stupidity while trying not to get angry because they wouldn't go away, having my motherly instincts kick in and me want to keep an eye on them to make sure they didn't do anything stupid. it didn't help that my dad gave them more shots of Jose Qurevo and stronger margaritas which made them more drunk. My sister was freaking over everything..her friend was oddly enough being the more amusing of the two.

finally he left and i literally was relieved because i was so embarrassed by my family. it takes a lot to truly embarrass me. and they did embarrass me last night.

  But he said he would like to try another meet and greet and i said i would really like that. although next time i am just going to kick my family out of the house. >>..they can go play in the dog house in the front yard. Needless to say i am very annoyed with my family at this current moment in time. i just can not believe they did that to me...thanks guys..,thanks a lot...

anyways hopefully the next meet and greet will go well. he seems really nice and a lot different then most guys i have met. he seemed like he has a great personality and is a very open person. which i can admire.


Sincerely
     Tena

thinking is bad for Tena

once again i am reminded that it is a bad thing for myself to be allowed time to think. when i think i tend to over think. it's like i have this horrible bug inside my brain that pushes a big red button every time i start thinking so that my brain goes into hyper thought. it's very hard to shut it off.

today i keep thinking about this future date i have with this guy names Lucus...i am nervous since i have never met the guy. but he sounds so amazing. I'm hoping that this blind date works out. he sounds so sweet and he seems like his head is on his shoulder and not up his ass which would be a nice change of pace from what i am used to.  but the more i think about it the more i keep remembering how much i keep screwing up in almost everything.

in the last couple of weeks i just have had the hardest time doing anything right. which is weird because i actually seem to be doing fine at work except for the last couple days. in the last couple days i just kept making one mistake after another and at the start of work yesterday i was so agitated because i kept screwing up. first i didn't clean the fryers correctly the night before and the rotisserie needed cleaned and i had to clean it which hurt like hell because of all the scrubbing, then i didn't have my code so i couldn't do some training that my manager wanted me to get done that day. it got to the point where and half an hour into work i was about ready to cry. all my thoughts of how much of a failure i am just kept popping up and smacking me in the face. full force too.

but then as i stared down at the grease covered bottom of the chicken rotisserie i began to think why i was a failure...what had i done to make myself a failure...i hadn't done anything. i have friends who loved me and treated me like i was important to them...i have a father who loves me so much that he got a 42 inch flat screen for our living room so that we could rearrange the living room together and make our house feel like a home again. i have a little sister who would stand up to god for me if she had to. i have a older sister and one nephew and three nieces who i rarely see but i love to see and love me just as much....and i had a wonderful and beautiful mother who fought to the very end to live so she could be there for me. I wasn't a failure..i was just one person who was doing what every human does. I was taking mistakes as they aren't meant to be taken..i took them as mistakes when i should have been learning from them. i was feeling guilty for being a human and not being perfect.

it's odd how scrubbing a grease and chick fat covered baking oven can make you realize what you are really doing wrong. that saying a mistake is only a mistake if you don't learn from it really became true to me. I realized that i had to think positively otherwise the next six hours of my work day were going to be terrible...so i buckled down and did what i needed to do in order to make sure i learned from my mistakes and didn't leave them as such.

i suppose this also will help me when it comes to school..often times i just tell myself i can't do it or i am not good enough...well guess what world i am good enough!..and i don't need anyone to tell me that and i don't need anyone to make me feel like i am worth something more the shit.. although friendly reminders are nice every once in a while! XD

Hmmm...you know what...i know this Lucus thing is going to work out...and you know why?..because so long as i keep positive then everything will work out. as for all my other problems like my money problems i have learned form those as well. i will be more careful now days.

Hmmm...oh good news. the packers won! they're going to the Super Bowl! my dad is so excited XD he's so cute when he's all excited and jumping up and down and such. silly daddy, well..alright that's about all fomr me for today. thanks for looking into my brain with me.

a day in the life of Tena

here i sit on my bed with my cat at my feet, my laptop where he belongs, on my lap, my stomach growling because once again i have not eaten a thing today and the memories of what the world hold all slamming into me at once. Mostly memories and thoughts of my oldest sister and her kids. whom i love very much.

today my memories consist of my second to youngest niece Boo' Bear as i will refer to her here. even though her birthday wa sin december i am lazily getting ready to attend her 2'o'clock borthday party that is almost a month late. I do not get to see my nieces and nephew very off but i do miss them terribly. I often times remember the fun i had watching them grow up when they lived next door to me.

My Nephew, my little Power Ranger. i remember when he was born. i was seven and my older sister was still living with us because his father was a jerk and she did not want to live with him. i remember i would take him to the side of the house, as soon as he was old enough to pay attention, and i would teach him about the large trees and plants on the side of the house. how to properly tend to a tree and how you should be nice to the plants. then when we moved and he became my neighbor i would play power rangers with him and we would kick the soccer ball back and forth for hours upon hours. we never got tired of playing soccer.

Then there is my Mini me..my first Niece. i don't remember much of her birth...i remember she liked to get into my stuff and would often times ruin my play make-up, which i had probably already ruined. she would often ocme up with crazy stories that never made enough sense to be real. and yet i loved to watch movies with her. she looked just like i did as a small child. straight jet black hair. boyish figure. oh how she had grown up. she had curves like no other and the personality that would kick ass off any jersylicious girl. she has the spirit of a fighter and a lover. she can be both sweet and a pain in the ass at once. she really is my mini me

then there is my boo-bear. she is the hardest to describe. she is a brat and a drama queen and often times i wonder where she gets it from. i blame her father. she stubborn to all hell and will often tease you if for say i want a hug and she'll tease me by not giving me one and hugging everyone else. then when no one is looking she'll sneak me a hug and be that sweet little girl that i remember. where every time i returned home from school she would come running up the driveway screaming my name and leap into my arms to give me a big welcome home hug. how i miss those hugs.

My sweet and beautiful niece i will call an angel. she is truly a blessing. her eyes a bright blue and they hold so much faith in those around her and so much happiness. she is the sweetest and one of the most beautiful baby girls i know. she is also the one i am most conscious around. she has many difficulties do to some mental disabilities and some physical ones as well. but aside form that she is truly a site to behold. she is my Little Leo girl. i am honored to share a zodiac sign with such a beautiful little one.

and finally there is their mother. my older sister. to whom i love and have many memories of growing up. i now days feel bad that as a child my goal in life was to be better then her. to not have kids before i was married or to not get involved with the wrong crowd. I love my older sister and i am so proud of how much she has grown up since my youngest niece was born. she has truly become a women i am proud to call my sister. due to the 12 year age difference we never really got to bond much. i would say i am not extremely close to my oldest sister but as of recently i have grown to admire her for all of her flaws and her perfections

i don't know how this became a description of my oldest sisters family when originally i was speaking of my Boo-Bear but i like how this post turned out.. i don't see them very often so often times the only thing i have left is the memories of them growing up living next door. to this day it is almost depressing when i walk down the driveway and i don';t hear my name screamed for all the world to hear as i receive a wonderful hug. i hope today i shall receive such a hug from my little Boo-bear. for that single hug was something i took for granted and i miss terribly.

Sincerely- tena

Oh Me Oh My

Well here i am for all the world to see,
  Here I wear no mask and I hold no lies
   Here I am honest and true to only you few
     would you accept me as i shall accept you?


My Name is Tena. which is short of Utena. if you know where that name comes form i shall give you a virtual cookie. I am a normal average college student with a job and trying to make in this judgmental and horrible place we call the earth. The earth holds many beauties but can also hold many things that are painful and hard. I like most people am just a person who has the normal struggles that everyone has to go through. things such as: Grief, Heartache, Betrayal, the Lose of Loved Ones and many other things.

I have come to realize that i tend to bottle up tons of my emotions and i often times to not share them with others. this is a good way for my friends to know what is going on with me and how i am doing on the inside. as i said earlier in here i wear no mask and i hold no lies.

basic low down of my life, My mother passed about a year ago, i live with my father and my little sister, i have a few good friends of whom i love and adore. without my close friends and my family i do not believe i would be the way i am today. i believe that without them i would be in a dark pit of nothingness.

i also believe that life is not life without heartache and challeneges. this results in things such as losing friends, betrayal and heartache to and extreme. but through such trials we become stronger and better of a person.

please enjoy your journey through my melancholy of a life and welcome to my world.